What Girls Need to Thrive in School
Thirteen years as a student at Agnes Irwin. 20 years of teaching girls at The Chapin School; 21 years of leading at Laurel School, and a few months coming to know Chatham Hall. I have spent more than 54 years of my own 65 years in historically all girls’ schools. I love girls’ schools and the hardest part of being retired has been not being connected to kids—I miss them. But a year away from the daily life of a girls’ school has also offered me time to think about what matters most in girls’ schools. I started this list, shared recently with the Chatham Hall faculty and staff. It’s incomplete, of course–there is always more to include, but it’s a start. Much of my thinking has been shaped by my mentors and smart colleagues at Laurel and Chapin; some mantras I’ve picked up along the way from conferences or reading or by osmosis. This is not a scholarly—there are not citations. Think of it as an informal compilation of my own “go-to’s.” And, shhhh, but I suspect much of what I’ve noted with my own girl-centered lens might serve boys, too. It’s just that girls’ schools are what I know best.
I often ask: “Are we centering girls and their needs in this class? In the dorm? In our upholding of various traditions? Are we considering how a policy or practice lands for a new girl, for a girl whose family does not have money for extras, for a child with a learning plan? Are we centering the social and emotional well-being of girls and designing systems that both challenge and support?” Here’s my collection of thoughts:
Connection before correction.
Relationships drive learning. When a girl knows you have her back, she will work harder in your class.
Happier girls perform better in school–attending to a girl’s social and emotional needs is not extra; it’s fundamental.
Make it a practice to suspend judgment–everyone is doing the best they can–we so rarely know the whole story.
Adults in school need to wear their authority lightly. Compliance and control are not levers to pull.
“Passive pleasers”-- those girls who nod and smile may not be truly engaged in learning; girls are good at going to school and they do not want to disappoint. How can we encourage them to embrace creative risks? To really dive in and invest in their learning?
The stakes feel so high for girls–especially high school girls–what opportunities do we offer that allow them to “mess up” in low stakes ways?
I think school cutlures benefit when adults model what it means to “dare to fail gloriously..” We need to mix it up, try new approaches, fail and rebound from failure. Adults, not just kids, need a growth mindset.
Shame and blame have no place in school–shame is corrosive and makes us feel small.
Praise in public; discipline in private.
If we lose a child because we are cutting or unkind—even if we think we’re just being direct— we risk losing her forever.
It takes so long to build a connection and no time at all to break it.
Be careful about nicknames; they suggest favoritism.
We want to create conditions that help girls use their voices and know their opinions matter. And we need to listen to what they have to say.
Clarity is kind, and with high expectations must come high support.
Students must not be responsible for caretaking adults.
Expect mistakes; accept mistakes; work to fix mistakes.
Adolescence is hard—girls need respect, empathy, humor, structure, and flexibility; they need clear feedback and a calm “fair, firm and friendly” group of adults they can count on at school every day.
Purpose can be hugely helpful to girls–it lifts them from self-absorption and sometimes helps mitigate depression and anxiety. We all need to know we matter; that’s why encouraging girls to try new activities, sports, arts, clubs is important.
No matter how fascinating my lesson on Jane Eyre, a certain percentage of kids in my English class are thinking about their parents’ divorce, whether or not a certain person likes them, or wondering if lunch will be any good. It’s not personal. But knowing this should make all teachers work hard to engage girls in learning.
And we can’t manipulate kids by taking personally their effort or achievement in our course—it’s not about us—they are allowed to like Physics more than Spanish—we all have preferences.
Teachers teach children, not only content–every faculty member in a girls’ school needs to be interested in child and adolescent development and in the social dynamics that take up a lot of brain space for girls.
Advisory is essential–too often, we can make it “less than” in our schools–done well, it’s like a safe harbor for girls; if the girl knows the advisor isn’t invested, it’s a waste of time for everyone.
Adolescent girls want to understand how what they are learning is relevant, and I have found interdisciplinary connections help learning stick.
Many girls need help with executive function , and delivering information in more than one way helps all kids learn.
Anxiety is real, as is stress, and it’s our job to help kids manage both. Stress isn’t going away;
Sometimes, kids just need to vent without a grown up trying to fix things.
Respect is earned.
Girls hate hypocrisy; when adults get it wrong, they need to apologize.
Finally, Mildred Berendsen, a wise mentor, taught me long ago that when we put the girl at the center, all the adults do the right thing. In my experience, she’s right–when we center the child–her needs, how she’s feeling–and focus on her, parents and teachers unite on her behalf.
What’s missing on this list that you’d include? Perhaps we could crowd source What Girls Need to Trhive, 2.0.
As the school year begins, I am thinking of all the educators I love in “girl world” and wishing you an exceptional year.
